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|Wednesday, August 4th, 2010|
The past couple of weeks have been a complete roller coaster of emotion, future plans, and worrying. I guess in a sense it's easy to expect the worst, and let's face it, it's what we're all good at. But maybe, just maybe, things are finally looking up, or at least tilted slightly in the right direction.
Who knows what the fuck is going on? I think i've mentioned a little about my mom, or maybe I haven't, but she's not well. She hasn't been well for months, and the extremity of how "unwell" she is has not until just recently began to be determined. From the grave and back, she has seen (no pun intended) her sight disappear, her strength disappear, and her ability to move her arms disappear. From up and able to barely being able to walk, from the comfort of her own bed to the discomfort of a stiff hospital bed. Hours became days, days into weeks, and for what?
They mentioned cancer, but I think they always mention cancer. Cancer is the easiest thing to diagnose, and we're just as guilty. Bump on your head? Brain Tumor. Coughing? Lung Cancer. Shit too much? Colon Cancer. Everybody has cancer, we're all just waiting for the doctors to find it.
So here we are on the brink of a struggle. We foolishly made the plans and hung the heads, hands were held and prayers were whispered from the lips of sinners. But the great thing about life is it likes to kick you to the ground before it helps you up. But even with assistance, getting up isn't that simple.
So the surgery is over, a biopsy of an abnormally large lymph node on her lungs. The tests were ran and the diagnosis is a word I can't pronounce. Is it a walk in the park? Far from. She'll take steroids to help fight it, and probably won't get out of the hospital for weeks, and who knows when she can go to work, let alone if she has a work to go back to. And these things aren't free. The bills will come and will cease to go.
What now right? Who knows. Optimistically I don't care about money or finances so much as health and living. Sacrificing the concern for health insurance for the concern of health assurance. I'm just happy things seem to be reaching a point where we can let out a tired sigh of relief and know that maybe this world isn't creeping in the shadows waiting to take away everything that ever meant anything from you, at least for now...
|Wednesday, July 14th, 2010|
I may be entering the darkest point of my life.
All optimism aside, it's a fact I have to come to terms with. Regardless.
|Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010|
I haven't posted on here in forever because why bother? I don't need a journal. I'm not a 16 year old girl. And that's nothing against any of you who still use livejournal. do your thing. It's just that I have full access to a computer 24/7, and the fact that i'm separating myself from all of this fake shit is really promising.
Why? Because i'm doing my thing. Simply put. I'm out there doing it. I'm satisfied with where I am, and I don't even know why. My job sucks, I feel I have a good amount of responsibility and authority, but the hours are dwindling and it has no future. I'm barely making it out on my own living with Kat. This isn't true I guess. Do I have money to pay bills? Yes. But do I have money to blow on shit I don't need? Not as much anymore. Is it a problem? I guess not. That's life. And to top all things off, what am I doing outside of work? A whole lot of nothing. I play a lot of video games, fuck around on the computer every once in a while. I'm building a home studio in our office, which is almost complete.
So considering all of this, am I doing my thing? have I reached that point of happiness? Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. It's done. I did it. Because honestly, fuck a job, fuck a paycheck, and fuck a social life. These are the things that matter only to those who think these things matter. It's all relative. Everything used to be judged by a certain degree of popularity and a relationship. It's really easy when you're fucking around to say "man, I need to get more friends" or "man, I need a girlfriend/boyfriend"....but then when you get that girl, and you make those friends, you no longer have something to prove and can really assess what's important to you.
Kat and I get along so well. She's easily my best friend and we communicate with each other better than almost anybody i've ever met. I have fucked around with some stupid girls in my life. I've seen just about every negative side of relationships and the sadism of a human being in control of another's feelings. I've fucked up and been fucked over. To find something special with somebody like this is really nice. It was worth fighting for, practically stealing from those who didn't deserve it. And now here I am. I live with her, my best friend. How fucking stupid would I have to be to find any faults in that? We're absolutely perfect where we are right now, so all that's required of me and her collectively is to not fuck it up.
Fuck friends. Friends are so fake. I've met so many people these past couple of years that mean less and less to me as I see them more. I know my friends. I keep them close to me. The social circles around here are so transient and ever changing that nobody gives a shit about anybody around them, just the fact that there are people around them. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
So I'd say I definitely have friends, more than enough. They call me and I call them, and there's no social networking requirement to maintain a talking relationship. And above all, there's followup. It's not a one night hangout that bleeds into months of not hearing from each other while we explore the various other people in the "scene".
I'm regretless about Vera, The Ghost, but there are times I miss it so much. A melody will pop into my head, or i'll remember a time with Jeremy, Tony, and Leslie, and it'll strike a note of nostalgia that really stings sometimes. Yeah, things went sour, but now that the hype has died and the band has become to us what it always was to everybody else, I think it's sad the conflict that arose from something so simple. I lost two real good friends to that band who I really cared about, and for what? A couple of pop songs? This isn't to say I have regrets about how things went down. Leslie left the band, but I can't blame her...not that I will ever understand exactly why, but we all should've left the band. We began as four laughing friends. I'd drop an idea for a song and we wouldn't spend enough time on it because we were having too much fun. FUN. That's the element taken out of the band. What the fuck is the point if it's not fun? Breaking up that band was the best move any of us ever made, and that's because taking ourselves too seriously was the worst move we ever made.
But I digress, nobody cares. I'm the only one who even bothers to dedicate a paragraph to the band. Tony is doing his punk rock band thing, leslie is chasing her boyfriend across the country and his band, and Jeremy is engaged and living the life of a houseowner. And me? I'm right here.
I still want to write music. I'd love to take a backseat role in a band playing keyboards, but i'm not going out of my way to find one. Either something will happen or it won't. I have been writing music with Kat I really dig, and with the abilities I have in this office, I can make any kind of music I want. Maybe i'll do it, or maybe I won't.
I don't even know what i'm saying. I don't have money, power, fame, glory, security....but I have ambition and optimism, and that's worth the whole game to me.
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2010|
I finally have a computer again, and I think this time it'll be here for a while. My coworker Chuck took both of my broken computers and somehow made one that works, something that i'm not going to dispute. Pretty stand up guy. He put Linux on it as well, which i'm kind of digging. The appearance of it is amazing, and other than the millions of hoops you have to jump around to do anything a normal computer can do, it's pretty sweet. <---I don't mean this.
I'm moving out with Katarina on June 1st. I'm way stoked.
Since I've been gone:
You + I, The UPS Store, Butters, Final Fantasy XIII, Mew, Bainbridge Island, Super Street Fighter IV, Harborview Apartments, Kick Ass, Mora Ice Cream, Portland, and Thai Food.
|Friday, March 12th, 2010|
I haven't updated my livejournal in a while, and i'm not sure if its' because i've just been busy or if there's nothing really to talk about. I guess that's somewhat contradictory, but honestly the things taking place lately aren't necessarily noteworthy so much as time fillers for an ordinary mundane week.
Final Fantasy XIII came out, and sadly enough that's the highlight of my month probably, aside from my birthday, which went great. I guess I never mentioned that. I went to dinner with Kat and my mom on my birthday, and then on Saturday had a gettogether with a lot of my friends. It was really nice, and a lot more people came out than I expected. All in all my birthday went a lot greater than I expected and imagined.
At my party Jeremy and I discussed this new band (or the lack thereof), and I think we have somewhat conflicting views on the topic...at least for now. Jeremy is soured on playing after the way Vera went (and ended), whereas i'm motivated for playing because of how great this new band could be. But regardless, Vera broke up in December (?) and immediately we started the lineup for the new band, which so far has had one practice (that I was too sick to even go to). It's a bummer, but hopefully something will become of it, and meanwhile I have two other projects i'm working on.
- The first is an idea I had back when I was in Signals in the Distance. I started it but never finished it, but it was essentially playing very typical techno music, and I could open shows so real bands wouldn't have to. However, the more and more time progresses, the more I kind of want to take this idea a little more serious. I have a soft spot for electronic music and could probably do something really cool if I tried to be taken more serious. I asked Robbi to hook me up with a show or two, so we'll see how it goes, if it flops then that's fine....but the music is solid. It's just a matter of if people want to hear it.
-The second started as a way to teach Kat how to play music, but as she progresses more i'm realizing I have an extra pair of hands for taking complete creative control over something. A project where if I have an idea I don't have to pitch it to 3 other people, but instead after some careful thought anything I decide will be dogma. And then, as Kat progresses she can begin to pitch ideas to me and vice versa. We spend enough time together that it could really work well. But I can't shake the need for a drummer to be involved...even though i'd want the drums to be light some form of beat seems so natural. I considered talking to Jeff but i'm going to wait until i have some actual songs written out.
Kat and I are going to see Rocky Votolato tomorrow at Neumos, as well as spend the day in Seattle. It should be a good show, though i've never really listened to his music.
This post is longer than i expected/wanted. So that's it.
|Friday, February 26th, 2010|
I've been on a huge hip hop kick lately. It's a love that comes and goes, but lately it's been pretty prominent in my music selections.
I'm kind of stressing something. I'm so amazingly happy with where my life is going right now, but one thing that is putting a damper on an otherwise nice life is that i'm definitely losing contact with my best friend. Ryan and I hardly ever talk anymore, and whenever we do it's this strange atmosphere like people who've known each other for so long that you almost don't notice that there is almost no friendship left. Every time I go to anything his family holds it's this awkward situation where he goes off with Brando and Wes and only says a few words to me. His mother is turning 50 sometime around tomorrow so they're having a big party I would've gone to for sure in the past, but i'm going to the Haiti show instead because I never feel welcome there anymore. It's really a bummer. I wasn't even invited by him, I was invited by his brother, who only invited me to his wedding as an afterthought because they needed my keyboard. It's a huge bummer.
|Thursday, February 25th, 2010|
Woke up kind of late today. I watched this stupid/disturbing move called Dead Girl. It was kind of stupid but It was also messed up.
My toploader is rocking the shit.
The problem with updating this much is I run out of things to say. Kat came over today and we hung out, which was nice. Got in a hella fight with my mom over something stupid.
Stoked I get paid tomorrow. I think I already mentioned my plans for the weekend so I can't really say that, which cuts out a paragraph from every entry until then. Bummer 1/2.
|Wednesday, February 24th, 2010|
I spend last night with Kat. She made philly cheese steaks (with chicken instead of steak. What's that called? Philly Cheese Chicken? sounds weird), which was delicious, and we had a nice night in together. I'm getting very stoked about this relationship. The next day we woke up and hung around until it was time to leave.
I met with Ross today. For 20 bucks i gave him my defective NES and he gave me a top-loading NES which doesn't have any of the problems of the other one, which is way rad, and then Dr. Mario (which I think I mentioned in the last post). Kat and I are going to the Haiti benefit show in PO on Saturday so that'll be a good time to go to his store and drop a little more money, especially since I get paid a few days before.
My birthday is next Thursday, which is pretty exciting I guess. It isn't THAT big of a deal, but this should be a good one.
My beautiful girlfriend is asleep in my bed because she has to wake up for work in 3 hours, so i'm going to join her.
|Monday, February 22nd, 2010|
Kat and I deleted our facebooks together. I was at first hesitant, but now i'm kind of stoked. I think as a society we rely too much on social networking site to maintain "friendships", when in reality if they were your actual friend you'd probably be seeing them in places outside of an online community. I guess it's nice for people long distance, but there's systems like email for that, which seems to be a dying system anyways (except for getting facebook notifications). This is probably just a phase and we'll both be back, but we'll see.
A lot of things that I had planned for tomorrow I just now realized as i'm typing this out is actually the day after tomorrow. I'm on a pretty killer break from work, from Saturday to Wednesday, to come back to 8 hour shifts on Thursday. It's pretty awesome. I'm going over to spend the night at Kat's house tomorrow, which should be awesome.
The next day I have to meet with my dealer (I smoke NES d00d) to replace my broken deck and get a free game to replace the missing power supply when I bought the system. Then there's the buffet at the casino, which i'm hoping I can manipulate to be free for me.
Get paid on Thursday. Balllllller. This will be a great paycheck.
|Thursday, February 18th, 2010|
I haven't updated in a while, which is the exact opposite of what I planned on doing, so I thought i'd post on here.
A few weeks (a month?) ago, I decided on a whim to start an NES collection after finding a system at Goodwill for 4 bucks. The system ended up sucking, but I found a guy who sold me one that doesn't suck. He is a collector/NES game salesman type guy and i've developed a professional friendship with him, so he's giving me sick discounts on games and shit.
Work has been going good. I'm really excited for my next paycheck because it'll be my first one without any training days on it, so it'll be fatty and normal pay for me.
Kat spent the night last night. We went to Tizley's with a bunch of her friends and Jeff. It was pretty fun although my bill shot upwards quicker than I originally realized. But that's cool...
Today was ridiculously nice, so after we finished errands we had to do, me and Kat went to the waterfront. It's ridiculously corny in a sappy romance kind of way but we went to this pole under the boardwalk where I carved our names into the wood with a key in like September and It was still there, which was kind of cool.
|Monday, February 15th, 2010|
Valentine's Day was a huge success (for the most part). The resort (that's what they call it, though it's funny to say "resort" because it sound so tropical and distant) was really awesome, and the scenery was beautiful (even with our weather lately). We checked in and then immediately went to dinner, and then came back and went swimming and in the hot tub.
The only bump in the road so to speak was after we got out of the swimming pool. We came back up to our room and my face was really red and splotchy (like I was breaking out into something weird) and I felt kind of dizzy and nauseous. But the next day I felt fine and i'm not sure what it was. We even went back into the swimming pool/hot tub and I felt fine the second time. Swimming with Kat was really fun, I had an absolute blast.
Tonight we went over to one of Hannah's friends to play games and I guess celebrate the Chinese New Year (I didn't put two and two together with all of the chinese food or know until somebody said something). It was pretty fun. We played this game i'd never seen before called Quelf, which was pretty crazy and kind of corny but definitely fun.
My new phone came. It's the HTC Droid Eris. It is fucking amazing, and i'm so stoked about it. It's a smart phone with full internet access, GPS, everything. It's by Google and runs on google technology so it has amazing support for gmail, facebook, twitter, and everything. I'm so down with it.
Now i'm home. I'm kind of dreading work tomorrow. I have to wake up at 7:30 which is not THAT early, but still the only reason for the dreading...Bummer!
Fuuuuuck. I went to buy a cover for the touch screen of my phone today, and when the lady had me sign the receipt she gave me a pen that exploded, so now my hands are covered in blue ink and it won't come off!
|Sunday, February 14th, 2010|
Today I worked a quick 4 hour shift (The UPS is ridiculously slow on Saturdays because they only deliver next day air, so 99% of UPS doesn't run on Saturdays), and then met up with Kat and we went to the other side of the water to meet up with her dad for his birthday.
It went fairly well. There were some quiet parts but I think for the most part (according to Kat at least) he enjoyed my company and we had a good time. We were going to eat at the cheesecake factory (since i've never been there) but they were ridiculously crowded and the wait was an hour, so we ate at this place called "Rock Bottom" which is essentially a Silver City clone (Man this sentence is going on forever.) I got a reuben sandwich because a few days back Jeff gave me a bite of his schnitzel reuben at Tizley's and it was crazy good. I guess i'm down with saurkraut, even though I don't know how to spell it.
Tomorrow me and Kat will be off to the casino resort and for dinner. I'm pretty stoked, it'll be a nice getaway and a fun day overall.
This is probably the most mundane normal post i've ever made on livejournal, and I guess it's going to be my new thing. I want to post daily, so hopefully I will.
|Friday, February 12th, 2010|
What's new. Bought a new phone that should get here on Monday, which is pretty exciting because the last phone I upgraded to last April was a huge dud, and I spent most of my time since using the phone I had before I upgraded.
Tomorrow after working i'm going with Kat to meet her Dad. I've already met him before but when i did i was just a friend, and now i'm something else, so I guess I should get intimidated and stuff. The whole "meeting the father" thing is the premise of so many movies I feel inclined to feel it's a big deal.
Went for drinks with Robbi and Jeff last night, which was essentially the first time i'd said more than two words to Jeff in person. He's a really awesome guy, and it's getting me hungry to play music again.
I bought a few more games for my NES collection. It's lame I guess, but i've never had a collection before so i'm kind of digging it. I have 8 games so far. They had Startropics for 4.99 and I didn't buy it...kind of regretting that.
Then Valentine's day, which should be amazing. I'm really looking forward to it, like a vacation that's only 5 minutes away.
I'm trying to update this more often, maybe even daily. That's probably something i'll go back on, but it's nice to write out everything, especially for the future me eager to remember dates and events.
|Friday, February 5th, 2010|
I dunno. I always want to update Livejournal and after a sentence or two I have second thoughts.
Everything is going perfect. I guess that's probably why I don't update. Livejournal is only fun for bitching about every little thing that goes wrong in your life apparently. I'm sure I was on that bandwagon last year, but it's not really a thing anymore for me.
Kat and I are doing great. I booked a hotel room at the Casino resort for Valentine's day because i'm money. My job is going really good too. It's essentially me packing up expensive shit all day. It's kind of intimidating but I dig it, and it's nothing worse than developing people's memories at Rite Aid.
I'm so incredibly stoked for this new band. I'm not going to be pretentious and say we're going to change the music scene or even that we'll be good. In all honesty, there's a really good chance we'll suck as bad as Vera did, but that's fine...because i'm making music with people I really get along with now. That's not shit talking, that's just fact.
Kat and I have been making music together too. It's fun, and could evolve into some sort of side project. I would be way down, and we could play coffee shops and stuff. I dunno. Sounds like fun!
I bought some computer speakers at goodwill for 4 bucks and they work so perfectly for amplifying my keyboards when i'm just fucking around at home. It's pretty awesome actually.
|Friday, January 15th, 2010|
| Don't worry, they'll all blame you. They always blame you.
It's interesting looking at medical information online, for a lot of reasons. Aside from the vast amount of misinformation and the ability to completely misdiagnose yourself and freak out over nothing, there's also an ocean of people turning to the internet for quick guidance and relief. It's kind of nice reading some of them, seeing their progress, and then reading the happy last post they ever make on the site informing everybody and nobody that despite all of their previous fears, everything turned out fine. It's so contrasting to their original post. It's very comforting, in a humanitarian kind of way.
|Wednesday, December 30th, 2009|
New Years. That's cool I guess. It's sometimes funny how much people invest on the new year, or how they continue all of their bad habits or trends until the end of the year, so sure that after that point they'll quit cold turkey. I guess that's the heart and soul of resolutions. But i'm not trying to pretend i'm any different. This journal just recently reached it's year mark, and I have an entry of my resolutions for this year. But i'm living proof that just because you set out to do something at a specific time of the year doesn't mean it's easily accomplished. Here was my list:
1. Vegetarianism - Failed. Started eating meat again in April. Stopped eating meat again in August, started again in October. But who cares.
2. Start taking vitamins daily - Failed. I stopped taking vitamins when I started eating meat again in April. They didn't seem to do anything and I simply forgot.
3. Pursue this band to its fullest - Passed. I definitely feel that I did this. I spent a huge majority of this year trying to fit together chord progressions, write out lyrics, attend practices and shows, and do everything I could to be a productive member of Vera, the Ghost.
4. Live more (less words, more action!) - Pass (?) I feel I passed this. I did live more, way more than the years prior. I channeled a lot of that through the band, but I met a lot of cool new people, did a lot of things i'd never done before, and had a blast. If there was a previous version of myself sitting at home longing for a socialite life, I succeeded.
5. Find a job I won't walk out of. - Fail. I didn't work a single day of this year, unless you count the band. I'm not ashamed nor do I regret this. There are a few posts in this journal of looking desperately for a job, but that's not a big deal.
6. Move out - Fail. I came close with Leslie. Or I guess I came close, I didn't really do anything except get everything almost ready and then find out it wasn't happening. But I had it all worked out, so in a sense I tried.
7. Casual Relationship? Pass. It was a little late, but in some regards this was the biggest feat I wanted to accomplish, and I did. And i'm incredibly happy.
8. Write more. - Fail. I didn't write anything minus lyrics.
So essentially. I failed, but who cares. Resolutions are lame anyways. If you want to do something, just do it. Don't wait until the end of the week, or until new years, don't say to yourself "okay, well i'll do it for the rest of this week, but MONDAY i'm going to change". Beacuse that's stupid...
Do I have resolutions this year? I guess to an extent, but they're small and stupid. I want to pursue the band more, I want to get a job. I want to start eating better again, I want to maintain this relationship with Kat, I want to move out, I want want want. In a sense it doesn't matter. I want what everybody wants. A fat person wants to get skinny, a gambler wants to stop, an alcoholic wants to stop drinking, so on and so on. I want what everybody else wants, which is the pursuit of happiness and purity. I just want to be the best and happiest person I can be. And starting this relationship with Kat and being in Vera are two surefire ways to pursue that.
So happy new years.
|Wednesday, November 25th, 2009|
Two things about the band:
First off, despite what the T-shirts say, our band name is "Vera, the Ghost". Capital V, capital G, and a comma after "Vera". The one problem I had about the T-shirt design was the lack of the comma and when the T-shirts were made my opinion didn't matter. Whatever. But the bottom line is this has been our band name since the VERY beginning. Me and Jeremy were talking about the concept of using the same band name always and it seems favorable.
Second, the track listing is:
1. Buckley & Mordecai
2. ...Said Goodbye
5. Verona (Where we lay our scene)
7. Hazel Park, MI
Exactly like that. I could definitely forsee somebody else doing the layout of our CD and not putting the periods in Said Goodbye or typing out Michigan or simply calling it "verona", which isn't what I called the songs.
|Wednesday, November 18th, 2009|
Hella writer's block for the new song. I don't know why. In a sense I don't feel like I have enough room to really say anything. I'm working on it though, I really am.
|Friday, November 6th, 2009|
Gips just knocked over a full drink with his tail. Holy shit.
Ever since we recorded with Chris for the first time i've been pretty jealous of his Google phone, and literally today Verizon came out with it's first phone using google's software. So i'm going to the verizon store tomorrow to see if I can hook that shit up. I don't have money but I have good intentions and that works just as well at Verizon.
I have to stop by the farmhouse to pick up leslie's bag tomorrow hopefully since nobody was home today. Then Kat gets off and we'll go to practice together so she doesn't have to drive home, play a little music, and then go to the casino .
I've been messing around with my electronic music a little, and i'm putting serious thought into seeing if I can hop on a few bills Han Solo and play some music like that...it'd make a hell of an opener, and there would definitely be a gorilla mask involved.
|Monday, November 2nd, 2009|
The halloween party was fun. I'm stoked about Jeremy's new house and our new practice space, though if it's long term i'd like to mess around with the PA so I can hear myself a little better.
The show was good. We played, and then 1/2 of the band left, and 1/4 of the band I didn't see again for the rest of the night. But hey, the music was over.
Sunday was chill. Kat and I woke up and grabbed some lunch before the studio. We did Leslie's vocals and this clapping part and I re-recorded some synth. Afterwards we went to Evergreen Park to sit on the rocks by the water overlooking the warren and manette bridge. It's one of the only angles that Bremerton looks good in.
Today was cool too. Kat and I hung out and then went out to eat with my mom. It was a nice experience that I think went well.
All and all, stoked about life and everything around it. This was a quick update but I feel pretty positive about it.